The Importance of Expressing Gratitude

Developing gratitude is essential to reclaim our sense of awe and wonder that generally diminishes with growing older. How? Like my friend Maytal experienced, one way to re-cultivate gratitude is by enduring loss. But there is another way: When you feel even the smallest inkling of gratitude, express it.

We’ve all been told to say “thank you,” by our mothers, fathers, and kindergarten teachers. But what were they really teaching us? Just like how what we think influences what we say, what we say influences what we think. Our parents and teachers were capitalizing on that reciprocal relationship. In other words, they were teaching us to be grateful. So, is just feeling grateful enough?

Imagine a child having his first ice cream cone, he’s excited. Now imagine it has multi-colored sprinkles. It’s awesome, and in that moment the child’s entire world consists of that cone. That child was all of us.

But as time progresses, most of us lose our child-like sense of awe and wonder. Our sense becomes eroded as a result of years glued to our desks and being comfortably ensconced in our work cubicles. In the day-to-day rush, efficiency is our priority. Time management, time management, time management. That’s all we hear about.

Even Boston’s favorite coffee brand, Dunkin Donuts, has a motto: “America runs on Dunkin.” Where are we running to? Why are we always running? And what is sacrificed in the process? Awareness, meaning, human connection, and hence: Gratitude.

Then how do we reclaim it?

One way is via loss. A great friend of mine Maytal Babajanian comes to mind. Last semester she told me of a remarkable habit of hers. I asked her to write something up for this post, and she did so generously. Read carefully, this is powerful:

“About two years ago, I lost one of my closest friends to cancer. We had been best friends for years, celebrated practically every birthday together, and spent every possible moment together. I had always been grateful to have such an amazing friend in my life, but I had never felt the need to express this to her because it was clear that she felt the same. It wasn’t until she passed away that I was writing a piece about all of her amazing personality qualities, all of our cherished memories, and the reasons why I valued her so much as a friend in my life. As I wrote this piece to read at her memorial, it dawned on me that I had never actually taken the time to express all of my thoughts and feelings about her out loud or even on paper. I couldn’t help but imagine how touched she would have been had I told her these things when she was around. That was when I decided: From that point forward, I would put effort into telling the people I love how much I love them, why I love them, and how important they are to me. Because if even they already know all those things, there’s nothing like the feeling of knowing you’re loved and appreciated.

Though this personal mission felt easier to do when I was struck with the initial trauma of losing my best friend and was eager to remind all my loved ones how important they were to me, I do my best to put more effort into it on a regular basis. I found that sending close friends or family members random messages to tell them how much I love them and appreciate them can tend to weird them out a little because they know I’m not a usually emotional or lovey-dovey person. I know, however, that deep down it makes an impact because even if they already knew how I felt about them, hearing it from me shows that I’m consciously thinking about them, and that I don’t take them for granted. Most importantly, doing this has made me more consciously appreciative for all of the amazing people I am lucky to have in my life, and has helped me recognize meaning and value in all of my close relationships.”

Having recognized the fragility of life, Maytal became infused with gratitude. She understood that on the deepest level, all we want is to feel appreciated.

But there is another way: Heading straight to the habit of expressing our gratitude.

I think this transition has two parts: The first involves how we perceive what we already have. It’s the phenomenon that once we begin expressing our gratitude for those in our life, we actually become more grateful for having them. The second part involves developing gratitude for what we had previously overlooked. (A friend’s smile, for instance.) Understanding how powerful this sort of expression is, you’ll increasingly want to provide them to others.

Part of the difference lies in expectations: Some people believe they deserve everything, while others believe the world owes them close to nothing, or somewhere in between. As a general rule of thumb, if we have to choose between two theories, it’s better to choose the one that makes us makes us more grateful.

Let’s turn to a quote:

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” -Albert Einstein

With the mindset of believing we deserve close to nothing, we recognize that whatever we receive, whatever beauty in the world we experience, is all the result of extraordinary acts of generosity and serendipity.

Helen Keller once said:

“What’s essential to the heart is invisible to the eye.”

Gratitude is essential for the heart. There’s a reason psychologists sometimes advise their patients with depression to write down 3 things they’re grateful for each night. Turns out what we choose to focus on influences how we feel.

So tell people how much they mean to you. Expressing your gratitude won’t only make your loved ones feel appreciated, you’ll feel more grateful as well.

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Special thanks to Maytal Babajanian for sharing.